A Letter I've Been Meaning to Write (it's about time)

I've been meaning to say this for a while. It's been on my mind for quite some time. One of my quirks is that I can express what I'm feeling better in writing that talking. So here goes. Kind of an open letter. It started well before you thought it was official. Please don't think I didn't see it coming. I knew the signs and I could hear it in your voice. You were falling in love. He started talking to you and he wanted to spend more time with you...and you did too. You were afraid of it all and we talked for hours. But I didn't really know what to say. I've never really had it happen to me. I don't know what it feels like. I'm not sure if I ever will. You know it now though and I hope it's everything we ever dreamed of when we were little kiddos dreaming about the future. Then the day came...a Sunday in the fall. A piece of homemade pizza in my mouth when you said it. You didn't tell me much for a few weeks because you wanted it to be in person, which I appreciated. Even though I was the last person to find out. And thus began the journey of no return.

Things would never be the same. I was so excited (and still am!) for you and this new adventure, but I knew I would start to get left behind. I felt it from the moment you said he remembered you from that April. It was inevitable and it's unstoppable now, so please don't go making excuses or promises. It's a part of life. We are changing, we are growing, and we are learning how this all works. Later in October we came to my favorite Starbucks (you all got lost on the way). I met this young man I had heard so much about. I stepped out of my car, gave you a big hug and then stuck my hand out to shake his hand. He ignored my hand and went straight for the hug. In that moment, I laughed to myself. He was perfect for you. We sat and had coffee. He didn't pay for my coffee and I will forever hold it against him. You were all protective (like you always are), trying to act like your old self (the "before you met him" self). Don't act like I didn't catch that, I know you. You wanted me to see that our friendship wouldn't change with him being in your life. Oh, how I wish you knew how much it would. But not in a bad way, please keep that in mind. In a developing, growing way. We walked out of the Starbucks and back to my car. We said goodbye and you walked away holding his hand. I sat in my car and cried. I cried on my way home. You didn't know that did you? Why did I cry? I didn't want things to change because I knew they would.

Six months went by, and here we are. He's still perfect for you. I know it. Things did change whether you noticed or not. I'm no longer the "go-to". I'm not the first person you talk to. He spends all the time with you that I used to get. He talks to you more than I do. I'm not being replaced as your best friend, we talked about this. Don't you see it, though? He's just becoming a more important part of your life than me. Don't argue. Don't shake your head. It's true. This is big for you, a  huge step into adulthood. It's exciting, it's new. We never dreamed this day would come. And while you are off being swept off your feet, I'm still here. Sometimes it gets pretty lonely. I've cried about it more than you know. Becuase while this is new and exciting but also a new challenge for you, it's just as hard on me. Knowing that he comes first now is hard for a best friend to accept. I hate change, you know that. I miss the days when we stood next to a table and ate lunch (we were too rebellious for chairs). We were impenetrable. We didn't care what anyone thought and we didn't have a worry in the world.

Don't mistake this for an "I'm still single and you aren't" pity party because I dread the day (if it even comes which isn't likely) that I find someone. Becuase then it will be even harder to get past this. Let's get something straight though. I'm still your best friend (lol its too late to get rid of me, hashtag "sorry not sorry"). What I have been having a hard time with lately is learning to still be best friends with you as our lives are changing and as we are maturing. I don't like it sometimes, but we have to accept what comes our way. The Lord wrote you into my story long before I was born. It blows my mind that at the dawn of creation, He knew you and I would become sisters at heart. We met as dorky and hilarious little middle schoolers. I loved our friendship. But just as we changed (BLESS!! PTL for puberty, I know it did wonders for me) grew out of our dorky and hilarious little middle school selves, our friendship did too. Our friendship made a leap though as we entered college. I'm terrified of the leap when we graduate. It's a matter of learning to love our friendship in every season.

Why did I write this here? Why didn't I just tell you? I don't know. Right now I'm just praying you might read it. To be honest, I am terrified to tell you that this is what I've been thinking. I didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't find the words. Also we haven't really had time. And that's okay. Maybe you'll read it maybe you won't. Maybe someone else will read this and will be able to relate. I don't know.

We'll see where the road takes us. Thank you for sticking with me on the journey thus far. I can't wait to see where the future takes us.

8 Lessons Learned from Freshman Year

My freshman year of college has come and gone in the blink of an eye. It was kind of crazy how fast it went by. In the midst of the school year, it felt like life was dragging on. The school work never ended and the days were so long. Looking back though, it breezed by me! Anyhoo, here are a few things I personally took away from my first year of college.

1. Wake up much earlier before you need to leave

I mean this is pretty obvious but for a solid month during the fall semester I was waking up 15 minutes before I needed to leave before I hit traffic. Of course, I was setting myself up for forgetting important stuff and being rushed in the morning. By spring, I had a great morning routine set. Time to wash my face, make my bed, make up + hair (I am the girl that loves to semi-dress up for class, sorry not sorry), and even eat breakfast. You learn as you go I suppose. 

2. Write everything down in your planner

I swear my planner saved my life this year. Everything I needed to do was right there. Only problem was when I forgot to put something in the good old planner. Like tuition bill payments (they have late fees ya know) Oops. 

3. Get involved on campus

I'm a commuter, so getting involved with on campus activities can be a bit of a challenge. I decided to join the homecoming committee and volunteered around campus and it was a great way to meet new friends (also that kind of stuff looks great on a resume).

4. Don't procrastinate

Again, another obvious thing. But getting a head start on your work is easier in the long run. All it takes is some extra effort. I learned that I needed to get started on assignments ASAP. So that meant immediate trips to the writing center and my favorite spot at the library.

5. Find study spots!!

Definitely a biggie for me. I loved getting to explore the ins and outs of campus for good study spots. 4th floor of the library, tables outside of law school, 2nd floor of the library hidden away in Microfilms & Periodicals. You don't find these nooks easily. I loved getting to settle with my iced americano into my study spot for a long study sesh. 

6. Try not to miss class (but know when it's appropriate not to show up)

I didn't miss a single class this year. What a freshman thing to do, am I right? There were definitely a few classes I could have missed. But I am paying good money for these classes. And participation points do help when final grades come around

7. Don't get distracted

My number one problem. Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, making Spotify playlists...I could have gotten so much more work done if I had put these away. I want to make it a goal to save social media for certain times of the day only, kind of like a reward.  

8. Enjoy every day as it comes

Sometimes college is really fun. Sometimes it drags by. Regardless, I want to enjoy these four years (now three more years!!) and make the most of them! I found a quote that fits this so well, I even pinned it on my bulletin board above my desk. 

"Appreciate life as it happens. Moments will soon pass and you will wish you had treasured them more"

Where am I now and where am I going?

Whoa! It's been a long time since I last posted on my lovely little blog. I have finished an entire year of college (whoop whoop!). What an experience it has been! I've learned so much this past year, inside and outside of the classroom. Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself this year and who God is calling me to be. I love college and realized how incredibly crazy it is, which is why I haven't blogged very much. Now that summer break is here for me, I'd like to take this little blog in a new direction. In the past, I loved getting to use this place to share ideas and thoughts and start networking with other bloggers. Life happens, and I'm into that so much anymore. However, I have found that I need a creative outlet. And what a better place than this? I don't care if two people read what I have to say, or ten, or no one at all. I want to take this opportunity to use my words and whatever creativity skills I have and just see what happens. Consistency is not the goal here, more authenticity. I want to use this as an outlet for things I've been thinking about or trying. Just to write and express myself. So, let's enjoy it, shall we?

The heart, the timing, and the long road ahead

"And you've been waiting and praying for the right one to come

Watch the rising and the falling of another setting sun" -M.Kearny

I finally finished the Return of the King today. I kicked in some major speed reading so I could finish it before school starts next week. What a bittersweet moment reading those last few chapters. I've never been one to read "romance" novels like most girls...even the ones that have CHRISTIAN slapped on the cover to make it seem religious. They aren't healthy, at least not for me. The Lord of the Rings series, though, was a gem to read. Lots of adventure and excitement. A truly incredible story that I will always treasure. Of course there were two love stories thrown in. Aragorn and Arwen. Faramir and Eowyn. I'll be honest...I thought they were sweet. It wasn't overload love story too, just a snippet. 

Even little love stories like that can still get to me. They make me wonder if that will ever happen to me. Is it even possible? I've never felt it. And I'm not expecting Faramir to waltz up and be infatuated with me. Just a love story on earth. Do things like that even exist? Typically I'll laugh it off and tell myself, "there's no way that will ever happen to me!", when inside I will still feel a little discouraged. Truly, I'd love to experience a love like that one day. That day just seems like it never comes. 

I always have to remind myself, however, that I'm still young. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it never will. God is calling me to be patient and be satisfied in Him alone. Even though its hard to see my friends in relationships and not be jealous, I know that if its God's will for me to have a relationship one day, the right man will come at the right time. It may take years. It may take months. It may take days. Okay I don't know about days right now, but you get the point.

Regardless of if and when I ever have a relationship, I know what God has called me to do...how He has called me to live. I am created to glorify Him, to use whatever talents He has placed in me to enhance His kingdom and spread His amazing love. Right now, for myself, that means going to school and studying to be a teacher. It means volunteering with my church and spreading the gospel and God's love with all my abilities. It means learning, working, and growing closer to The Lord. 

I am waiting and praying for the right man to come. Oh yes, I pray for him every day. My life, however, doesn't start as soon as I get married. My purpose is not found in a relationship here on earth. No, my purpose, my life story, the meaning of my existence is found in my Heavenly Father. I will always have days where my heart is restless and impatient, but in those times I must remember where my true treasure is. My treasure is the One who can satisfy my soul and still love a broken, sinful girl. 

To have a love story with a guy one day here on earth would be an awfully wonderful adventure. I'm handing God the pen to write that love story though. I think back to stories in the Bible where God's people tried to solve their own problems and satisfy their own desires without the Lord. Not one of those plans worked out too well. Instead, I choose to trust the Creator. I have to ask myself quite often, "How could I ever think that the God who created the earth, the stars, mankind, and love itself would not write an incredible love story for my life?". There is no reason not to trust Him. Even if I don't get married, I still trust His plan will be an incredible adventure all the same.

There's a lot (a whole lot) more that I could say, but I'm going to shorten it to two statements. 1) The love stories we experience on earth are a mere glimpse of the greater love story God has written for His people. 2) I want to encourage anyone in the same boat as I am to wait, to pray, and to trust in The Lord and His perfect timing.

Xoxo, 

Madison