Thursday, May 12, 2016

A Letter I've Been Meaning to Write (it's about time)

I've been meaning to say this for a while. It's been on my mind for quite some time. One of my quirks is that I can express what I'm feeling better in writing that talking. So here goes. Kind of an open letter. It started well before you thought it was official. Please don't think I didn't see it coming. I knew the signs and I could hear it in your voice. You were falling in love. He started talking to you and he wanted to spend more time with you...and you did too. You were afraid of it all and we talked for hours. But I didn't really know what to say. I've never really had it happen to me. I don't know what it feels like. I'm not sure if I ever will. You know it now though and I hope it's everything we ever dreamed of when we were little kiddos dreaming about the future. Then the day came...a Sunday in the fall. A piece of homemade pizza in my mouth when you said it. You didn't tell me much for a few weeks because you wanted it to be in person, which I appreciated. Even though I was the last person to find out. And thus began the journey of no return.

Things would never be the same. I was so excited (and still am!) for you and this new adventure, but I knew I would start to get left behind. I felt it from the moment you said he remembered you from that April. It was inevitable and it's unstoppable now, so please don't go making excuses or promises. It's a part of life. We are changing, we are growing, and we are learning how this all works. Later in October we came to my favorite Starbucks (you all got lost on the way). I met this young man I had heard so much about. I stepped out of my car, gave you a big hug and then stuck my hand out to shake his hand. He ignored my hand and went straight for the hug. In that moment, I laughed to myself. He was perfect for you. We sat and had coffee. He didn't pay for my coffee and I will forever hold it against him. You were all protective (like you always are), trying to act like your old self (the "before you met him" self). Don't act like I didn't catch that, I know you. You wanted me to see that our friendship wouldn't change with him being in your life. Oh, how I wish you knew how much it would. But not in a bad way, please keep that in mind. In a developing, growing way. We walked out of the Starbucks and back to my car. We said goodbye and you walked away holding his hand. I sat in my car and cried. I cried on my way home. You didn't know that did you? Why did I cry? I didn't want things to change because I knew they would.

Six months went by, and here we are. He's still perfect for you. I know it. Things did change whether you noticed or not. I'm no longer the "go-to". I'm not the first person you talk to. He spends all the time with you that I used to get. He talks to you more than I do. I'm not being replaced as your best friend, we talked about this. Don't you see it, though? He's just becoming a more important part of your life than me. Don't argue. Don't shake your head. It's true. This is big for you, a  huge step into adulthood. It's exciting, it's new. We never dreamed this day would come. And while you are off being swept off your feet, I'm still here. Sometimes it gets pretty lonely. I've cried about it more than you know. Becuase while this is new and exciting but also a new challenge for you, it's just as hard on me. Knowing that he comes first now is hard for a best friend to accept. I hate change, you know that. I miss the days when we stood next to a table and ate lunch (we were too rebellious for chairs). We were impenetrable. We didn't care what anyone thought and we didn't have a worry in the world.

Don't mistake this for an "I'm still single and you aren't" pity party because I dread the day (if it even comes which isn't likely) that I find someone. Becuase then it will be even harder to get past this. Let's get something straight though. I'm still your best friend (lol its too late to get rid of me, hashtag "sorry not sorry"). What I have been having a hard time with lately is learning to still be best friends with you as our lives are changing and as we are maturing. I don't like it sometimes, but we have to accept what comes our way. The Lord wrote you into my story long before I was born. It blows my mind that at the dawn of creation, He knew you and I would become sisters at heart. We met as dorky and hilarious little middle schoolers. I loved our friendship. But just as we changed (BLESS!! PTL for puberty, I know it did wonders for me) grew out of our dorky and hilarious little middle school selves, our friendship did too. Our friendship made a leap though as we entered college. I'm terrified of the leap when we graduate. It's a matter of learning to love our friendship in every season.

Why did I write this here? Why didn't I just tell you? I don't know. Right now I'm just praying you might read it. To be honest, I am terrified to tell you that this is what I've been thinking. I didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't find the words. Also we haven't really had time. And that's okay. Maybe you'll read it maybe you won't. Maybe someone else will read this and will be able to relate. I don't know.

We'll see where the road takes us. Thank you for sticking with me on the journey thus far. I can't wait to see where the future takes us.

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